ASHTREE

Journey Toward the Heart

2009-07-03T16:55:28Z

Man carries the seed of his misery or bliss, hell or heaven, within himself. Whatsoever happens to you, it happens because of you. outside causes are secondary; inside causes are primary. And unless you understand this, there is no possibility of a transformation.

-Rajneesh

Hello?

2009-02-23T05:02:10Z

Is this thing on?

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)

2008-10-12T18:26:27Z

The affection you feel for someone has a physical effect. Your health seems to improve, you glow, your senses soar. You're increasingly attractive to yourself and everyone else.

Need for solitude.

2008-09-25T02:01:55Z

I am desperately looking for a place that I could stay for a night or two (for as cheap as possible) in order to be alone. As secluded as possible, the less people the better. I don't want to see a soul but my own for a couple of days. I'm trying to make this happen ASAP so let me know if you have any ideas.

change is coming

2008-09-16T05:53:25Z

i can feel it in the air.
in the wind.
in my heart.
in the leaves.
in my bones.
in the dirt.
in the sea.
i see it on the shore.
change is coming.

Hip hip hoooray!

2008-09-09T20:49:52Z

I'm getting my hair cut today.

ashleybriana @ 2008-09-03T09:36:00

2008-09-03T16:36:36Z

I wanna be back there!

ashleybriana @ 2008-09-03T09:05:00

2008-09-03T16:07:01Z

I read to escape.
To control my thoughts.
To calm my heart.
I write to get it off my chest.
To control my thoughts.
To calm my heart.
But what the hell am I actually doing?

I want so much more.

ashleybriana @ 2008-09-01T20:37:00

2008-09-02T03:37:10Z

Cleaning makes everything feel better.

pagan operetta pt. II

2008-08-26T00:14:42Z

What place is this? Our spirit is gone the sacred song was snatched from our mouths before we hit the high note-
When will that holy time come when we gather sipping merry wine from the drinking gourd of the Creator? I'm still looking for the day...still waiting for the harvest..." - CHR

My head is spinning from reading this book of poetry.
Carl Hancock Rux, you are so heavy & so inspiring.

I'm taking Jen to Radiohead on Wednesday.
It's going to be one exciting girl's night.
(Jen always makes references to your inner child & it makes me happy to be around her. She is so confirming & loving.)

Ryan's car still won't start but I think we're finally getting it figured out after 2 weeks of sharing my car. It's been a little stressful but I've been forced to get back on a bike & that part feels good once I can kick my butt up out of bed at 5:30am to do it. Ashley has tired legs. Tired back. Tired hands. Tired head. Tired heart.

We're planning a vacation.
The verdict is still out on exactly where and what.
But it's gonna be soon & it's what we both are in desperate need of.

The Olympics are over and that makes me sad.

makes me VERY happy.

My coming savior

2008-08-25T01:57:50Z

I love me some pink ladies

2008-08-24T05:38:35Z

pagan operetta

2008-08-24T05:09:24Z

There is a labyrinth west of here, where a blues singer's lilac gown is burning, and I want to know what key she is hollering in. I want to get there, where lilac sequins are quickly becoming orange embers." - CHR

I'm in such a funk

2008-08-23T05:39:37Z

I'm going to see Radiohead on Wednesday and I don't even feel excited.
What's up with that?!?!?!?!

ashleybriana @ 2008-08-22T22:25:00

2008-08-23T05:29:21Z

I feel burned out.
Burned out on writing.
Burned out on working.
Burned out on being social.
Burned out on feeling, if that makes sense.

I have a lot to express.
But there's no outlet that feels right.
My journal stares back at me with intimidating blank white pages.
I am afraid to say what I'm truly feeling on the internet.
I've been pulling away from Ryan for some solitude.
For once he's not who I feel like talking to.
I'm not feeling up to being vulnerable.
He is patient & understanding & that helps a lot.
But still...
My mood is indescribable.
I feel nothing. No, that's not right.
I feel a thousand things.
And my overloaded heart & brain have turned to numbness for relief.
This is vague.
I am fine, really.

I think I am bored with life.

ashleybriana @ 2008-08-22T22:08:00

2008-08-23T05:01:07Z

ashleybriana @ 2008-07-24T12:14:00

2008-07-24T19:21:29Z

Summer is flying by & I don't even know which way is up & which is down. My days pass with lightning speed. All this working & working & sitting in the heat. I'm learning & relearning. How to write, how to paint, how to express, how to be still, how to love myself fully. Reading more Sark. Reading the Half Blood Prince again because it's just so damn good to get lost in. (And the movie comes out November 21st, two days after my birthday!) Still reading Cannery Row. Still looking at East of Eden every day, beckoning me to open its pages.

I'm not there yet but I will be soon. This is where I'm going. To wherever I may fly & land.
I'm tired of predictions.

tidbits of work

2008-07-09T02:50:33Z

This new regular comes in every morning after (or during?) his morning jog.
He orders a large coffee and a Wonchi and pulls sweaty money out of his sock to pay.
Such sweaty money.
I smile all the same, but leave his money out to dry once he walks away.

I made a heart in my foam for the first time last week.
Best part is, I wasn't even trying to.
& now that I'm trying I can't really get it right. (of course)

On Monday someone pooped in the toilet and it was so big it wouldn't flush.
I had to snap a long sturdy twig off the tree outside... and use it to break poop up.
Then I poured an entire container of bleach in the toilet, around the toilet, and on myself.
Today I found a little poop turd on the floor.

And now I'm pooped out.

Cashiering.

2008-07-03T20:58:51Z

From counting in to counting out.
I obsessively keep my till organized.
Facing bills & straightening folded corners, wrinkled lines.
Counting back change to equally obsessive health food freaks.
Breaking open new change.
Working it just right so I don't have to break open new change.
Paper clipping ones into stacks of 25.
Fives into 100.
Twenties into 500.
It makes me feel slightly manic, but I slightly enjoy it.

He knows how to make me smile.

2008-07-03T17:03:40Z

A video Ryan left for me.

ashleybriana @ 2008-07-03T09:54:00

2008-07-03T17:00:57Z

I made a budget. For a whole month I'm keeping track of every single dime spent between Ryan & I. I'm gonna have receipts coming out my butt. Sometimes being an adult is fun if you think of it like a game or a puzzle. Organizing, planning, solving. There's something to be said for it.

ashleybriana @ 2008-07-01T17:24:00

2008-07-02T00:38:45Z

Yesterday felt bad but today feels great.
After work I ditched going to the gym to walk to Influx with Angella. We shared a turkey pesto sandwich and continued our walk down Broadway until we came to the used book store we had been looking for. GOLD MINE! I mean, gold. Rows and rows of books, books stacked on stairs, books outside, books upstairs, books EVERYWHERE. And not crap books either, but really almost anything you could want to find. AH! There is no way to see it all in one visit. Angella and I agreed to go once a paycheck. For twenty bones I walked away with 6 books, including East of Eden which I'm really excited to start. So then we zigzagged back up through downtown streets and stopped at the Salvation Army where we ended up not looking at anything but sitting on a couch and enjoying the air conditioning for a few minutes. After the hot walk home with bags full of books we sat on her front stoop and talked for another half hour. It felt SO good to connect with her again. 1. She's a woman. 2. She's a woman I've known for 7 years. 3. She just gets me, & I get her and we shoot the shit so well.

Summer is shaping up into exactly what I need.

ashleybriana @ 2008-06-30T15:46:00

2008-06-30T22:59:50Z

and she's got red lipstick and a bright pair of shoes
and she's got knee high socks, what to cover a bruise
she's got an old death kit she's been meaning to use
she's got blood in her eyes, in her eyes for you
she's got blood in her eyes for you

ashleybriana @ 2008-06-28T12:17:00

2008-06-28T19:24:12Z

$400 spent by noon.
Woohoo!
Cheers to the IRS.
And to us for doing exactly what they were hoping for.

ashleybriana @ 2008-06-28T08:53:00

2008-06-28T15:57:01Z

It's early and I'm up to face the day. Ryan is taking me shopping with his stimulus check! I have running shoes, jewelry, a journal, and Weeds Season 3 on the list.
It's cloudy outside and the cats are acting crazy on the inside. Crazy.
Breakfast time.